We used to always understand our friends and their stages of life. Our elementary school friends shared our love for jump rope, hopscotch and the yuck factor of boys; our high school girlfriends shared our addiction to gossip, clothes and the love for cute boys; our college friends shared the same late-night study hours, parties and after-hours with the guys.
Whether we were single, had a serious boyfriend or were playing the field, we could always seem to relate to each other. After college is when things get a bit grey. Husbands and fiancés begin to take precedence over girlfriends and eventually it feels like you’re walking the single girl path alone.
It’s easy to come up with excuses as to why you aren’t as close to your girlfriends anymore. But believe it or not, these friendships are still salvageable. Quit feeling sorry for yourself or being lazy about preserving your friendship; with a little effort, you can rekindle the gal pal relationships that used to be a keystone in your life.
Excuse: We used to close down clubs together; now our lifestyles are completely different.
Fix: Don’t allow a relationship status to define you. You both still have secret crushes on George Clooney – go see his latest movie. You both eat – take a cooking class. Take initiative – call up one of your long lost girlfriends and plan a girls’ afternoon based on your shared interests.
Excuse: She’s decorating the house, gardening and cooking dinners for her kids. I feel like I don’t fit into her “mommy” schedule.
Fix: Sure, children keep her busy, but no doubt she could use some help keeping her life in order. Drive out to the suburbs for an afternoon and help her take care of the kids. Play dress-up, make homemade play-dough and become their favorite “aunt.”
Excuse: I spent my time after college focused on my career. Now I’m finally ready to focus on my personal life and I know my married girlfriends look down on the fact that I’m still single.
Fix: Ask yourself this: are they really looking down on you, or are you just paranoid? It can make a girl uncomfortable to be the only one showing up to parties alone, or turning a third date into a meet-my-friends evening. Your friends want you to be happy. Whether they express this by introducing you to the men that work across the hall from them, or pointing out flaws in every potential suitor, realize they’re probably only trying to help. If it’s really getting to you, sit your friends down and let them know how you feel.
Excuse: We can’t have any ‘us’ time anymore. Her baby and husband are always there.
Fix: Rather than look at them as unwelcome company, realize that her family is now the number one priority in her life. Remember, if you invest time in her life, she’ll want to do the same for you – so show her you’re plugged into her life. Your girlfriend is still the same person whom you love. If you two are going to be in each other’s lives long-term, you have to be supportive of whatever life chapter your friend is on at the time. Of course, while their company should be welcomed, it is OK to ask her if the two of you can have girls-only time every once in a while. She’s sure to appreciate the opportunity. If she can’t find the time, then offer to hang out with her when her husband is out of town, has a late business meeting or when her kids are asleep.
Excuse: We’re both on the go; it’s too hard to meet up and spend time together anymore. Lunch dates keep getting postponed.
Fix: You both have errands to run. Instead of setting aside time for a lunch or dinner, get together to go to the grocery store, get manicures or work out. If you have a weekend errand to run, give her a call and invite her along. Sign up for a class at the gym together, go bargain shopping or join her at her toddler’s ballet recital.
If you’re single...
Don’t assume that everything is amazing with your married friends. Married couples have problems, too. Ask her how things are going every once in a while. Maybe she’s standoffish because bigger problems are going on in her life. Is she fighting with her husband? Is everything OK with the kids? What about her job? Everyone has ups and downs, regardless of relationship status. You need a friend to talk to every once in a while, and so does she. Let her know you’re there to help or lend an ear.
If you’re married...
Remember that your friend may feel all alone in the world. It takes a lot of courage, inner strength and self-love to stay single and not settle. You don’t want your friend to settle for just any guy! It may take a while for her to find a man deserving of her affection. Be patient. Don’t look down on her for being single; instead, praise her for not going for the first man that comes along (but if she is way too picky, it’s OK to give her a much needed nudge!). If she’s dating the wrong type of guy and you can’t handle hearing about it anymore, change the conversation – there’s more friends can talk about than guys! Support her emotionally and be her cheerleader.
If you try to no avail...
Sometimes it really is time to let go. Recognize when hanging out with an old pal is only bringing you down. If she makes you feel bad about yourself, guilty for being happy or like you’re wasting time by how you live your life, know that sometimes, even friendships need a break-up. Surround yourself with positive, happy energy-givers.